M3 Fans….. I’m BAAACK!!! So I apologize for not writing sooner. Since our family trip to Disney, it has taken me some time to sort through emotions, get back in my busy groove, go back to work, and be a mommy again to my lil’ ones Mo’ and ‘Ox.
Formalities, please. Since my bilateral mastectomy on February 27, 2013 I have had so many visitors, emails, texts, and just plain thoughts/vibes of love from so many people. Some of you I know. Some of you I don’t. Both subsets of love are equally, overwhelmingly thoughtful. Here’s M3’s dilemma… Some of them I don’t remember. People visited and the medications literally caused it all to be a blur. And unfortunately, SuperHubs didn’t help me keep a list for Thank You cards, so I may reciprocate the love – I’m old school, get over it! To his credit, I think since I was a walkie-talkie… He thought I had my thoughts about me, but alas I remember very little. SOOOOOO… I am formally, informally , right this instance, extending love and “Thank You” to ALL of yous guys!
I am doing fantastic. Started training this afternoon, will start running tomorrow and prepare for my half marathon in June with my BFF. Comically, we will be in Mexico for a week prior… so we may crawl across that line… but that’s what friends do, we drag and pull the other through the tough times – and git ‘er done!
The reason I first mentioned I’ve been spending time “sorting through emotions”, I believe that I have experienced a pivotal shift in the way I process things while visiting with my family. Let me first impart, my family and I do not get together in mass often; so to have my brother Iggy and my sister Sissy with my motley crew of SuperHubs, Marvelous Mo’ and Ox, it was overwhelming, and initially anxiety ridden. Additionally, my sister has just started advancing in a relationship with a man who is recently divorced (as is she) and he has two daughters. I believe these girls are good (no, awesome in nature); however, they really see my sister as a threat to their former familial harmony. And Daddy’s girls get jealous. My sister does not have children, so to now pop into some childrens’ lives in their teens (missing the development of their personalities, quirks, idiosyncrasies, and how they personally express their love), it is DIFFICULT.
After arriving in Florida, a two day trek with two kids and three adults [SuperHubs was driving, what can I say]. We made the trip in one day on our way back [I drove… that’s now all I have to say]. I was exhausted! We were all exhausted. I was also trying to stave off medication, and have my faculties about me. I took a lot of naps, quiet times, meditation, and just plain suffering, but I made it through. I think my family seeing me withdrawn and retreating to concentrate on self, was disconcerting. Especially for my sister. Additionally, the first couple of days, I struggled seeing what she was experiencing as a new “mom” or “parental figure”.
We had our first fight on day two. It boils down to one thing, we were not seeing the other but concentrating on self. Naturally, I think I would applaud that… however, when it breeds resentment and feelings of being misunderstood, underappreciated, and just plain ignored, it is then wrong. So we needed to find a balance. I worked to find a balance, and be engaged more in her life, her struggles, her excitement, her love, her family – and in turn, she in mine.
Now with Iggy, the poor chap has a 13 year old son. Due to whatever circumstances, his son was not allowed to come and celebrate Disney with his father. It literally broke my brother’s heart. However, he never displayed a negative emotion or doted on the absence. He participated and enjoyed life just as it was happening. I think I’ve fallen in love with my brother, all over again. When out of touch, and developing your own family, we truly miss how other’s have grown and developed as we age. I think I caught up to speed with who Iggy is, and I am in awe. He is a loving brother. A comical brother. A talented brother. A patient uncle. A loving DadtyAnd just plain fucking cool.
So this trip was pivotal, as stated. I was able to see outside of me and “my suffering” and realize that life circulates all around me, and I need to appreciate with humility and softness that life is constant. I don’t always have to be right. I don’t always have to get my way. I don’t always have to have recognition. I don’t need anything from someone else, except… to see them; acknowledge them. If I am only looking at my life, I miss the beauty of other’s lives. And that is just plain sad – and a waste of life. So my promise to me is to look past my scars, bruises, and blessings, and try to pay more attention to other’s scars, bruises, and blessings and celebrate life and its continuum.
I have truly been trying additionally to extend this to so many others in my life, who I bore resentments against. For reasons that have either gotten embellished throughout time, or even really forgotten how they evolved (i.e., Who did what and to whom first). Release it. Forgiveness is an awesome gift one can give to yourself. I forgive. I love. I am present. And I am trying to see all and be easy on myself, when I fail at that witnessing. See what I mean about PIVOTAL? I know … I know.. Sounds hokey. But I truly believe it breeds health. I would forever want to be considered positive, healthy, serene, and loving than something else that breeds negativity and is probably just a casting because I am not seeing other past my nose. Everyone misses out. So now… I’m watching ALL of you…. Big Sister Style!
Love. Breathe. And see other’s more than you see or think of self – it may reveal more about you that is pretty awesome! Namaste, my friends.
UPDATE on Boobies: Origin magazine is out this May. Expanders come out in May; implants in… what size what size what size. Getting stronger daily, and no medications! Please again, M3 fans, share your stories here… OR if you want I can post your stories (anonymously) so you can inspire others, as you have inspired me.
Maria Z. – I think daily of your mother! I light a candle daily and whisper your names in the light!
New pictures from JoeLongoPhotography will happen soon, and you can see the ta-tas and how they actually don’t look that bad.